The Family Court Reformers can be contacted through familycourtreform@hotmail.com or Brenda at (530) 559-0826.
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Hello everyone,
I have moved my case to placer county after being in nevada county for seven years. One hearing…ONE HEARING!!! In placer county and I was able to get every other weekend visits plus holidays with my ten year old daughter whom I havent had overnight in five years. Also reunification with my 13 year old daughter who nevada county gave the right for her to decide whether or not to see me at age nine. (even though a full custody evaluation was done saying the girls were brainwashed by their father) I havent seen her since.
I have had three weekend visits and there is alot of damage that has been done to my ten year old. There are serious issues coming up that need to be addressed immediately!!! I am looking for a counselor that can meet with my daughter everyother Sat.
Emily, I appreciate that you blew the whistle on Nevada County. Unfortunately it wasn’t done soon enough for my girls. You were part of Nevada County Family Court system that made decions that weren’t in “The Best Interest” of my children. I have a question for you? Is your interest in just getting back at nevada county? Or are you willing to help some of the families that have already been damaged? I called you three days ago asking for help. Also sent a text. Have yet to hear back. I understand your extremely busy. But, I would hope your priority would be to help with some of the damage that has been done.
I understand your frustration with what Nevada County Family Court has done regarding your case. Emily has sincerely made great efforts in doing all that is in her capabilities to right the wrongs and make a positive change in what has been going on in this county for far too long. Yes, Emily is a busy person but I honestly don’t think that she is ignoring you or that her interest is just getting back at Nevada County. She is more than willing to help but has her limitations and can’t be expected to help everyone as quickly or as much as we all might like. Please forgive her and try to be a little more patient and understanding. I have just been informed that Emily has not been available due to a medical issue and is currently recovering. If you have any more questions or would like to talk more about your case please feel free to email us at familycourtreform@hotmail.com or call 530-559-0826
Hi all,
After some testing and refinements, I just released a digital short-video on YouTube our causes. If you approve, please feel free to release it and pass it on with impunity!:
http://www.youtube.com/user/althepal55?feature=mhe
As an alleged victim of the Family Law meat-grinder for over 15 years, I was always told to be polite and take what I could get because I was a “male, non-expert-complainer.”
Well, thanks to the brave yet suffering heroes of Nevada County – and others – I am presenting some EXPERT-complainers of all genders and races who are all crying out for help and saying the same thing. There are powerful and greedy sociopaths violating the health and sovereignty of families and children.
My short-video includes only clips of heroes, like Emily; the longer version will be much more in-depth and expanded to include those with substantiated victimization (for now…).
With my greatest appreciation for Emily, and all of you – heroes of mine – in Nevada County, I dedicate my beginning and humble work in your honor and in honor of the children whom suffer most of all, including my two wonderful daughters, River-15 and Iliana-9.
In dearest solidarity,
Alan Ernesto Phillips
Shasta County, CA
https://plus.google.com/115902390478619061589/about
I’m a film maker making film on this topic looking for interviews and information on this topic my email is fadethefamily@yahoo.com
My name is Steve, I will be 62 on the 29th of November. I’m at pretty much in the home stretch of my life, most people my age are at least fantisizing about retirement. I’m not going to be afforded that pleasure for at least a little while. Getting to the point though, let me see if I’ve got this right: you are an advocate for the people that feel like the eye of the judicial system in this county and surrounding countiess is primarily focused, with sympathy, on the women who are victimes of domestic violence. It seems that whatever my wife has said or will say is accepted without question, leaving me fighting for my life, having to prove every word uttered in defense of my own actions. I need somebody to listen to me, to hear my side of all that has transpired, not just accepting what my wife says without question. I feel that I am being manuevered by people that are hostile towards individuals that have been convicted of domestic violence. My life is pretty much descimated because I was convicted of dv, when, in fact, I was attacked by my wife with a pot of boiling water and was keeping myself and my 2yr old daughter from being scalded. Luckily, reflexes took over I grabbed my jacket and held it up in front of us. After she tossed the water, I stepped in and slapped her face because she was out of control. We decided together before the cops arrived, that I would take the rap (even though it wasn’t really mine) so she could care for the baby. That’s when my life was over and I didn’t even know it. My wife is lying to and manipulating Welfare, the County legal system and the Office of Family Law, not to mention keeping me from seeing my child and charging me an exorbitant amount for child support because she won’t work and refuses to apply for SSI.
I do not see many proposals of how to stop the opportunities for abuse of the domestic violence advocates that you describe. My proposal has been that the due process rights be afforded those accused of domestic violence and that those protections not be circumvented by mediation departments or judges. Those alleging domestic violence already have DVSAC and TRO’s. I think the disruptions to parent/child relationships are far more prevalent than the legitimate complaints that are ignored. There should also be enforcement of perjuries alleging domestic violence that are exposed.
I agree that there are those who allege domestic violence when there wasn’t any. They will allege it during the divorce action so they are awarded custody. When the victim has been contacting DVSAC for several years prior to the divorce, however, the person accused of DV might have to accept the fact that what he doesn’t believe to be DV (and there are some pretty scary things that the perpetrators don’t believe are DV) is actually DV. Then he might consider counseling with a counselor who comes highly recommended for DV counseling and/or anger management. It could open up a whole new life to him AND HIS CHILDREN.
What kind of counseling and/or sanctions do you think should be prescribed for a person who has been proven in court by transcripts and discovered documents to have presented false accusations and then passed those allegations to the children? What process would you recommend to deal with such a scenario?
I understand that you feel very strongly that your position is correct, but how do you arrive at the conclusion that persons with years of training and experience are so easily duped? In your response, you mention by title psychologists, counselors, CPS workers, judges, all of whom apparently cannot distinguish false claims. When the entire world is wrong in your opinion, it might be good to take another look.
You speak of the “best interest of the children” as if the person with the custody is hurting them. In the case you speak of, the parent with the custody has had to protect her children from the fact that she was receiving food from the Food Bank because she knew it would humiliate them, as all of their friends’ parents shop at the grocery store. She had to make them bundle in layers of clothing for three winters because she didn’t have enough money to pay for propane to heat their home above 50 degrees. She drove them everywhere in a car that was in desperate need of work, and had four mismatched tires because she could never afford tires and replaced them when they went flat. She dried their clothes on lines in the house in bad weather because for over 2 years her dryer didn’t work. They were not allowed to answer the phone unless they knew who it was, because bill collectors were calling several times every single day. She found a way to buy some necessities, however she could never take them to lunch, or buy them treats, becasue there was never a dime to spare. This is because the children’s father has gone months at a time without paying support, even when it was below guideling. He then got the only decent support lowered and the unpaid support determined to be arrearage, which he only has to pay at $100/month – nearly $20,000. The children know that their mother is upset about bills she can’t pay – they would have to be blind and deaf not to know, with the bill collectors calling constantly. The children ask for things, and Mom has to tell them she can’t afford to get these things. She finally sold the home at the best price she could get in this market, in an as-is condition, to try to dig out from under the mountain of debt she has acquired due to taking over more than her share of the debt from the marriage (some of which she was unaware) and not receiving support for months at a time. Please tell me how this can in any way be in the best interest of the children.
To Paralegally Dissallusioned: I realize your postings deserve a more complete comment. Often dedicated and serious individuals are involved in the family court system. Most probably have a deep concern for families and children. The Family Court Reformers proudly point to the fact that amongst their members are parents and others from both “sides” of any given conflict or litigation. I, myself, have had conversations with Emily and reformer leaders with the result that, although coming from seemingly different points of view, we agree there is much we have in common both in objectives and concerns as well as in proposed solutions. Emily strongly believes the system can be fixed from within the current statutory framework, I am not so sure. For instance, I see one significant source of the problem in the vagueness of the bedrock standard “best interests of the child”. I feel it sets up a context wherein officials from psychologists acting as evaluators, minor’s counsel, mediators, and even judges are given power to use their personal judgment and cannot be effectively challenged on appeal or otherwise because the legal standard is unconstitutionally vague. There is currently an appeal out of Sacramento Family Court from Michael Newdow (who has argued cases in the U.S Supreme Court of national prominence) which seeks to put this “best interests” standard before the U.S Supreme Court. I am considering moving a similar case up on appeal that would also challenge that standard as well as the due process rights impacted when a family court litigant cannot get a speedy resolution of the issues because the court is so extremely understaffed that a trial cannot be provided in a timely manner. How could the court then have the authority to sit in judgment on these issues when the framework to resolve the dispute does not exist. It would be as if a criminal defendant were required to wait in jail for years before his case was brought to trial. Speedy trial rules prevent this but in family law where the effect on parents have been described as more severe than any criminal penalty, we have no such protections. The whole system is arguably unconstitutional for these and other reasons. Next, I ask you to consider the profile of participants in the system as abuse counselors, social workers and psychologists. Naturally, those who themselves have been victims of abuse gravitate to these fields because the horror of their experience makes them want to help others in their position. But with that horrible experience also comes possible psychological damage that cannot be overcome and a loss of objectivity that impairs an objective evaluation of a situation when it is presented to them. Obviously, lawyers and judges are not immune from bringing a similar personal history into their roles in the system. Next, please consider the parent that would use the system to advance false allegations in order to gain custody. Few would disagree that this is a form of abuse of the other parent. When it affects the children it could also be considered child abuse. If the allegations become known to the children it is more easily seen as child abuse. If the allegations are intentionally transmitted to the children or the children are even recruited to corroborate the false allegations, there is clearly a situation that rises to the level of child abuse. Next, please consider that other victims of this form of abuse include the people the false accuser uses to perpetrate this abuse. They inevitably will include the abuse worker, psychologist, mediator, attorney representing the false accuser, and even the judge who has to deal with the case. The literature on this form of abuse clearly identifies the profile of the parent that perpetrates this form of abuse as very adept in recruiting followers and proponents of their false allegations. Everyone they cannot recruit becomes the enemy or biased. Black and white thinking is the most prevalent characteristic of this type of abuser. The other parent is painted as evil, unworthy, bad-parent, not really loving the child, not worthy of the child’s love. Think about the attorney that this person uses to advance their false allegations. That attorney, perhaps the most dedicated to using the system to protect true victims, has themself become a victim of the perpetrator, perhaps dedicating years of their efforts and resources in service of a false case. Any experienced attorney learns that the first person their potential client tries to “sell” is the attorney and we all have been burned by clients such as this. It is harder for some than others to recognize and admit when this happens. To admit our judgment is not flawless, that we are a “victim” (what healthy personality wants that label?) But none of us are immune. Just here in Nevada County we have recently lost two very able and dedicated family law attorneys to cancer which few would argue was unrelated to the stress of their efforts. It would be hard to argue that Judge McManus, despite any personal issues she may or may not have, was not a person who had her heart in protecting children, yet she too appears to in many respects have become a victim of the efforts of parents that misuse the system. By many reports she would become so personally upset by certain cases that she was forced to take leave from duties in different stages of her career. This does not in any way excuse her actions and demeanor which ultimately showed she did not possess the rare qualities required in the position of family court judge, but shows how far the class of abuse victims can reach. My point continues to be that the court system has to be ready to protect against its abuse and becoming itself the perpetrator of abuse of parents and children. The due process rights of litigants should never be circumvented as they are the best protections we have been able to devise. The FC 216 waiver, mediator recommendation system, illegal ex parte communication between system officials, non W&I 300 cps involvement, presumption of preliminary suspension of parenting time because of unsubstantiated allegations and unavailability of court time for contested hearings make the system as it exists potentially more harmful than helpful. First do no harm.
Ms. Gallup,
I hope you can consider this criticism as earnestly as possible. I mean no insult, but it’s impossible to sugar coat my experience with FCS, during the time you were there. A person’s criticism is only trustworthy if they offer it without fear of reprisal. A person needs feedback from one who has nothing to lose by offending them, because otherwise it can’t be trusted. Before I was not in a position to offer that, but now I am. So I offer some counsel in the spirit that Thomas Moore offered _The Loyal Subject_ shortly before his head was removed by King Henry of England. I hope you’ll take it better.
The fact is that in 2006 I had a happy, brilliant daughter that did everything with me. Today, I have an awesome daughter who is finally on the _road to recovery_. FCS played a critical role in the traumatizing experiences she had to go through in those intervening years. In fact, I hope you will take no offense when I have to tell you that you did as much harm as any of them. When a person does a certain type of job, it is inevitable that they will make mistakes. If people don’t tell you what your mistakes are, you can’t correct them. So please take it in that spirit.
Now, I just came back from the courthouse, just now. I should report my impression that the treatment of children in that system is even worse now than it was when you were there. Every parent there was trying to blame the other parent for their child’s problems, and yet doing nothing to address them. And their kids’ problems were not minor- they discussed suicide, stealing, drugs, girls sleeping around, and other unmentionable problems that should never come up. Having spent hours already in those halls in the past, the solutions seemed so obvious to me. I could have fixed so many problems if I had had the gavel and black robe today. Maybe I can fix a couple right now, if you’ll listen to me.
If you’re a parent, you’ve surely noticed something about children- it often happens that one child will tattle on another, as a way of forcing an issue at disagreement. It’s one of the first games they learn. If you try your best to be a good parent, you quickly find that there is a good way to deal with it, and a bad way to deal with it. What you want is not to merely dispense justice. You want your kids to learn to act fairly themselves. In order to do that, you need not only to show fairness, but to keep a child from making the parent into an instrument of manipulation. Our inclination toward justice is noble. There is nothing wrong with it at all. But we learn when we become parents that human beings are actually quite limited in our ability to do this. As soon as we respond to the tattler, he gloats at the other child, or waves his trophy of a disputed toy or possession. Then the other child reaches immediately for the magic tattle wand, to pay him pack in kind. Our pursuit of perfect justice turns us quickly into referees.
You learn quickly that they need to learn how to deal fairly. You have to point out solutions to them- “Look, there are two” or “Trade him that other one”, etc. By doing this consistently, you end up with kids that can police themselves. No one who has had kids could have failed to notice this aspect of children.
Now another thing you may have noticed if you have children is that an adult’s way of thinking and acting with others is remarkably similar to a child’s, except in the number of tools that they have at their disposal. Though we _should_ have learned may techniques with which to solve problems as adults, we find that we have also learn just as many ways to take advantage of others, to manipulate, to flatter, to pander, to lie, etc. And so the problem does not disappear with age. On the contrary, it is still possible, at any age, to make this same mistake that comes up with our children.
The person who wears the black robe may be given to the same weakness as the parent of the tattler. In his desire to dispense justice, he may develop a false confidence in his ability to do so. In truth, he needs fear the same pitfall that the parent of the tattler must avoid. He must avoid the tendency to make himself an agent of retribution or manipulation, just as the parent of the toddler must. And that is precisely where my advice to you comes in.
I couldn’t count the times I have sat in family law court, and I have seen a situation where the judge had the perfect chance to fix a problem, but instead made some snide remark about the parents, or encouraged them to renew their war against each other. Often, this would come in the context of a long lecture about getting along, like Rodney King. I’m sure this made him feel really good about himself. It made the parents out to be the villains, not his system. But it’s not what was needed. What the judge needs to do, like the mediators and everyone else, is to take themselves away as a weapon that can be used to inflict harm on others. Then, ideally, they would have sufficient experience in these matters to make useful recommendations to the parties.
I could go on forever with examples. But here are just a few. There was a modestly wealthy couple that had divorced. Their case should have been easy, because they both raised the kids, and they both had more-than-adequate means. But that advantage of money was actually a disadvantage in Judge Dowling’s Court. More money just meant more money for lawyers. The docket on the wall listed “boating safety” as the purpose of the mother’s motion that day. They litigated the use of the father’s boat for about three hours, in particular, where he should be allowed to drive it. The mother’s attorney wanted to stop him from taking his boat past a certain line in the delta.
Why this motion was even heard, other than to generate billable hours, is inexplicable. It was so stupid, the judge even made a joke about how ridiculous they were, asking him to decide a maritime question in family court. Yet, there he sat, while all of us waited, hearing the parties argue about the merits of various boat safety measures. He ordered boat safety classes to one of the parties. The father and his kids were forced to go through this ordeal for one reason only- some lawyers had a chance a bunch of money off them, and the judge failed to cut them off when it was obvious the man was being bashed for no reason but revenge.
The judge’s mistake? He believed he would “settle” this question for them. He believed falsely in his ability to administer justice rightly. He humored himself, thinking he could “help” this poor woman, who just wanted to protect her innocent child from harm. Really, he flattered himself as a sort of rescuer, the same mistake a parent can make. He blamed the father for his failure to agree where he could drive the boat, as if that was something he had to agree upon. He had no such duty at all.
Anyone who has kids can see what happened here. The “parent” gave undue attention to the “tattler” in this situation, and encouraged her to escalate the disagreement. What the litigants needed was first, a clear declaration that he wouldn’t be used as a tool against the other parent. What he needed to say, at the start of the hearing, was that the mother would be paying for all of the attorney fees for both parties, and she still wouldn’t get an order about where the dad could drive his boat. So, understanding that, she should feel free to talk all she liked. That would have been the end of the pointless litigation. The mother would still have had every opportunity to voice her concern, if she really had one. But she would have had to voice a request to the other parent, instead of believing she still had the right to bully and intimidate him about any minor disagreement. That would have solved the problem, in that case. What the judge did, effectively, was to throw a perfectly fit father in the same category as child abusers and drug addicts, and to give equal attention to the most serious and the most frivolous concerns.
The most common dispute that comes up in family court, by far, is a mother’s obsession with limiting a child’s access to his father. In fact, my experience sitting in the halls of family law court is that more than 90 % of the cases exist for this reason. Doubtless, there are a small number of cases in which a mother has a legitimate reason for asking for such a drastic step. But how would any arbiter be able to tell which cases those were? Those legitimate concerns were literally like needles in haystacks. The great majority of female litigants in that system made accusations against the male parent. Nearly all of them were either wild exaggerations, or offered for no purpose except to help her obtain control over the child and his father.
Let me address this, because this is where you and I differ. This was where you erred, and I believe, where you still err. Every person wants to feel good about themselves. It’s human nature. And what makes you feel better than helping someone else? I’m sure you read in 2009 of those missionary women in the area of the Haitian earthquake in 2009. There was a group of American women on Mission to Haiti that abducted kids of earthquake victims without the parents’ knowledge, to bring to adoptive couples in America- it was widely reported on. Consider- what were they thinking- that it was right to steal kids? Of course not. They were good people through and through. They wanted to feel good about themselves. Their mistake was they humored themselves, telling themselves that they were rescuing helpless kids. And in fact, some of those kids _were rescued_. The problem is that some of them _were not_ rescued. One has to watch out for this pitfall- it feels equally good to believe that you are rescuing a child, as it feels to actually rescue a child. All forms of charity are like this. Sometimes, you throw some money in a cup, and it helps someone, and sometimes you throw money in a cup and it just goes into the next bottle. A person can actually do a fair amount of harm if they overestimate their ability to do good for others. In particular, a person with a more noble heart is even more susceptible to this pitfall. That’s how I see people like you in the system. People like you do a lot of harm to kids, precisely because they want to do good.
What a judge (or mediator) needs to do in these cases, is to make it clear that they won’t be used as a means to control and manipulate kids and their fathers. To investigate credible concerns is one thing. They have a duty to do so, just as you say. But it’s impossible to investigate every father in Nevada County. You have to set a limit of some sort, and people have to know what that limit is. It cannot be the case that any concern, no matter how incredible, is enough to take a child’s access to his father away.
When I was first rescuing my kids, I assumed that there was some sort of known criteria of this sort. I assumed credible concerns were beating kids, beating spouses, crime, drugs, etc. I found out, after dealing with you and the others there, that that was not true at all. “Serious concerns” included “not getting along with the other parent”. All a mother was required to prove, in order to control a kid, and take away his father, was that she didn’t “get along” with him. It won’t surprise you that that is not a high standard of proof to meet. If a couple disagrees on how much a house should sell for, instantly they’re “high conflict” and the kid’s access to his dad has to be revoked for his own good.
In fact, my wife’s lawyer essentially advised her that in order to get the control that she sought over the kids and me, she would have to prove that she couldn’t get along with me. What she advised her to do was to terrorize us at every opportunity, and to use the kids to force the conflict on us if I tried to avoid her. She told her, for example, if I was supposed to pick them up at 9, she should head out the back way about 8:45, and then disappear for a couple hours. She told her by the time she Sheriff got there to take a complaint, it would be several hours later, and there would be no proof that I had “showed up” on time. She told her to make the biggest, most embarrassing scenes she could make, every time the kids were returned to me. She told her not to accept the return of the kids, so I would have to argue with her. Then if I left, to call the cops and say I stole them. She told her to make the kids curse their relatives, told her to hide the kids, to kidnap them, leave them with drug dealers, whatever she could do to cause chaos in their lives. She told her use countless tactics of this sort for one very practical, calculated reason- she knew that the more outrageous her behavior was, the more the mediators would whisper behind the scenes about “high conflict, whisper, whisper.” She knew that it would get her the order she wanted.
For several years, she was right. There was one particularly painful experience that I believe you oversaw yourself, as appointed mediator. I was taking my family for a three day weekend at Donner Lake. What on earth could anyone indict in that idea? Did anyone ever offer any credible reason why fathers-taking-their-kids-to-Donner is a bad thing? No person in their right mind would describe that as anything but exactly what you’d expect out of good parents. Yet you found fault in that plan. You see, at that time, my case had been branded “high conflict”, which meant it had to be handled with special care. It meant that any time I wanted something that anyone could see was in the child’s interest, it had to be negotiated with the all-powerful gatekeeper, the kids’ mother.
How this line of reasoning could ever be justified defies all explanation. For one thing, if conflict was the thing you sought to avoid, it would seem to make sense to grant reasonable requests, rather than to force the parties to litigate them. But you didn’t see it that way- what if the mother had a valid concern? She didn’t, of course, but the possibility exists that _she could_. So you would never want to allow a father like me to simply pick out my vacation days. You wanted us to “mediate” them.
During the mediation process, the mother talked, and you wrote down what she said on your little yellow paper. Any time I asked for what the kids needed, I was told I needed to rephrase what I said so she would like it better. In the end, you wrote down an order that allowed my ex wife and her boyfriend to literally follow us on the road to Donner and to camp about 100 yards away from us. You allowed them to force exchanges of the kids probably 10 times during those three days. You gave me a simple choice. I could either agree to this plan, or I could stay in Grass Valley, and the kids’ grandparents, who had flown from MI, would be out the money on their reservations.
Well, that vacation went exactly as well as you would suppose it would go. My ex did follow us to Donner, appearing at random times with her boyfriend, demanding the children, embarrassing us in every public place, threatening us with the exact piece of paper you had penned yourself. We were afraid to go to the beach because we thought they might find us there and embarrass us. You talked and talked and talked about “the kids, the kids, the kids”. But in the end, the kids were robbed of any fun they could have had. And of course you attributed the problem not to your mistakes, but to “bad communication” as if I had the duty of hiding from my ex better than I was hiding from her.
It should not surprise you that I have not taken my family on a vacation since then, though this year we will finally have the chance.
And why did I ever have to litigate the matter in the first place? Why didn’t my custody order give me ample time to plan trips during the times I already had? You repeatedly pressured me into orders that forced me to exchange my kids 4 times every day. Why on earth you thought that would minimize parental conflict defies any explanation. You literally ruined my daughter’s childhood for several years by empowering her to treat us that way. It wasn’t until my daughter got kicked out of kindergarten for kicking her teachers that I found someone willing to stand up for me, the school principal. Finally, someone would testify that the kids problems weren’t imaginary, and that the kid did a lot better with me than her mom. She fooled the evaluator, but she couldn’t fool teachers that saw the kid day after day. If it weren’t for him, I don’t know if my daughter would have ever gotten better. It finally turned around when Paul Jaffe told the Court the exact same thing that I had told you guys four years before- that they had to make a reasonable custody order in order for anything to get better. As soon as I got a week on week off schedule, the mother’s ability to force herself on us was greatly diminished. Once it lost its entertainment value, she simply lost interest. I want you to understand this, because you had the chance to spare my kid a lot of misery and abuse- once they finally believed me, she got into a better situation. If you had done the same, she would have suffered a lot less.
So let’s look at what you would say about the matter- take a look at “Rob” in your example. “Rob” sounds pretty crazy, the way you describe him. But to me, he sounds familiar- in fact he sounds a lot like the way you described me- “He COULD have a personality disorder. Of course, we have no proof of any kind, but he COULD”. That’s how you treated me. I had to pay thousands of dollars to take a test to find out if I had a personality disorder. The test said I did not. In fact, the test said that the mother had a personality disorder. But it didn’t make any difference. The “concern” was all that mattered. I had to pee in a cup to prove I wasn’t on drugs. I had to prove I didn’t have Asperger’s Syndrome. I had to prove I read books and went to therapy. I had to report to the mother what I had read. I had to submit to outrageous intrusions of my privacy to answer these so-called “concerns”. In the end, no one offered any proof that there was any basis to them. But it didn’t matter. The concern itself was all that was needed to cut off my kids’ access to their real father.
It’s hardly surprising that you have no time to investigate real concerns. Fathers have to litigate the most basic, most reasonable requests in this County. How on earth could you ever have time to find out which concerns are legitimate?
I’m curious- has there ever been a case of parents who were given a week-on week-off schedule from the start, who subsequently had trouble co-parenting their kids? The whole time I was there, I never saw a single case like that. The more lopsided the parenting arrangement, the more litigation was necessary. I never saw a single case in which parents had a week on and off schedule, in which they failed to cooperatively address the kids’ needs. And you everyone in that office- every single person- clung to this absurd notion that kids are exposed to less conflict if their mother has total control over them. Time and time again this was proven false- mothers with the most control over the child used their influence were the ones that exposed their kids to the greatest degree of conflict, forcing the kid badmouth the father and so on.
That was the other problem that came up all the time- no matter how bad the mother forced the kid to badmouth his dad, it was always made out to be “poor cooperation” or “high conflict”. If you’ve sat in that place as long as I have, you know that there are few things in this world more hurtful to children than forcing them to curse their father. The father is the ultimate authority in any person’s life, man, woman or child. As my children grow, I understand this fact better and better. A father is like Obiwan Kenobe- if he has done his job faithfully, he will parent his child _even after his death_. When a mother makes her child curse his father, she destroys all trust in authority of every type. Who does one listen to, if not their natural father? There are literally people sitting in Wayne Brown at this moment for no reason except a mother did this to them as kids. Yet I never saw a single occasion in which a mother was punished for this, or a mother lost time with her kids because of it. It might have happened on other occasions. I wasn’t there every day. But I saw countless occasions in which it happened, it ruined a kid’s life, and the mediators went in and told the judge that “the two of them just don’t get along- that’s what’s going on here.” Some of those kids were in trouble with the law because of this failure to address this problem. At least one of them was in serious trouble. And not once did one of these mothers ever face any consequence for it. A horrible example was in court today. The daughter had attempted SUICIDE. All the judge did was make them bicker at each other about which one of them was a worse parent.
I wish I had rescued my daughter by making the Court understand all of this. But I didn’t. In the end, all the great things I did for my daughter amounted to nothing, at least in helping me get her out of that situation. I helped her only by showing that the other parent was a bad parent. See, after she got done seeking restraining orders against me, and accusing me of beating her, she started accusing other guys of beating her, and started seeking restraining orders against them. After several years of this, I had stacks of paperwork from other criminal and civil case to show the court. She repeatedly had guys arrested on DV charges, then moved back in with them, and went through the same process again and again. Her allegations about me seemed less and less credible as time went on. That’s the only reason, besides the principal, that they ever listened to me. Nothing that was positive about me counted for anything. Only the other parent’s faults did us any good. Anything good about me was always depicted in contrast to “the needs of the child. “
You need to understand that, because as the “parent” in this situation, the mediator needs to understand that a “tattler” in this context is actually a terrible, onerous thing. They can ruin a kid’s life. In order to work together with the other parent, a litigant (the child, if you will) needs to be able to win by virtue of their merit, not merely by causing the most damage to the other person. What you need to understand as the “parent” is that the litigants are NOT 100% responsible for this. The person wielding power over them, the mediator or judge, is also responsible for using his power wisely. When an arbiter allows themselves to be used in this malicious manner, they encourage the worst in the litigants. That is exactly what FCS does. A child learns when they are small how to get what they want through working together with other. Every parent can see how to shape a little kid’s learning so they can share. Yet faced with adults, we forget that we have this fault, believing ourselves to be wiser than we really are.
The other problem you need to know about is denial of visitation, for men given only visitation. It is rampant in this county, and it has ruined kids’ lives, and I have seen it myself. In fact, lawyers in the halls of that place advise their female clients how easy it is to get away with it. They do it without the slightest fear. Police will do next-to-nothing to enforce custody orders, and they advise their female clients of this. Police tell dads their policy is to refer dads back to family law facilitators. And for what? The only outcome would be to get yet another order, which again, they would refuse to enforce. And in all probability, they would not get a new order at all. They might even get their time taken away as punishment for “not getting along” with the mom.
Lawyers tell moms to try to get Child Support warrants, for the same reason they tell them to get restraining orders. Once there’s a warrant, you can always bully the dad with it. Any time he disobeys, she can turn him in. Of course, in your mind, you might think, “good!” He should pay his child support! Right? I’m not exaggerating. Kids’ lives have been ruined by this kind of crap. And the first time a mother ever gets held accountable for these visitation games, she changes her attitude in a hurry. When she starts thinking about losing her paycheck, that’s what really changes things.
You may recall from your own experience that one time my ex and I had discussed a better parenting plan during “mediation” with you. She thought she would agree to it, but she needed a calculator, first. She needed to know how much money she would get if she agreed to it. This is a conversation lawyers have with female clients everyday in that place. Women say, “What? That won’t be enough for me to live on!” as if child support is supposed to pay for 100% of a mother’s living expenses. Then her lawyer says, “Well, then, we’ll have to make sure he gets less parenting time.” That is how kids are handled in that system.
There was a child today who tried to KILL HERSELF because of the way that woman ran her court today. If you want to know how to reform their system, you have to stop searching for villains and boogeymen among the ranks of fathers. You need to listen to what fathers want, because we are the only ones that can fix your system.
No need to thank me, I spit knowledge like this for free.
Hi!
I have several questions regarding mediation. Do you recommend using private mediators? If so, who do you recommed in the area? Emily is this a service you offer? What is the cost of private mediation?
Hi Kathy,
If it is financially possible, I would recommend using private mediators or calling a member of the collaborative divorce team (Maralee Nelder, Esq. can be reached at (530) 272-5672, and Dona Glanz is at (530) 273-7668). I am not sure of the exact cost, but I know it will be thousands of dollars. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist (MFT), and I can provide guidance to parents struggling with custody decisions. Please call me at (530) 559-0101 if there’s something I can do to help.
It was very frightening to me for several different groups to invade my privacy for no reason other than thier constant fear of someone finding out things THEY have done wrong. All that they do also causes my life to be unstable also. Living in my home and taking my children to school is always normal up until about 3rd grade–then someone who doen’t like one of them starts messing with my kids. I tried everything to stop it-reasoning, switching them from certain classes. But then someone decided to set up our nieghborhood and even the church near our home. I tried to get my husband to stay with us in the house telling him that it may be unsafe for him to move anywhere–and we got along fine when he was there he didn’t seem miserable or anything. However even my marriage was set up to play off someone else. Those people started to play off us by calling and acting as though I was doing things that were not even going on at all in my house. Litterly they totally distroyed our family by separating my daughter from me, then having her come back at a certain time-
Theft in our home started and this had never occurred before. As if a director had written down the lives of multiple people and had each person act out these lives on us by really doing things to my children and real money. Several people that have powerful relatives partisapted in this acting out events–they live right by my childs school. For the longest time as un believable as it sounds, they seem to contstantly act out all kinds of things that YOU can not counteract at all–They have friends in the PTA. I wondered is they just see your child and say—wow, he’s so beautiful i want him?–God, it is so terrible and painful to have someone target your family for something manifested in thier mind alone. My own realtives steal things from you also, like answering machines, tv’s,my son’s wallet.
Invading most of my jobs they set up people as themselves and always underpay. Moving to Nevada gave them a chance to get me to sell my mothers house–which she told me never to do-he of course acted as though we coundn’t afford to keep it—not true and dumb of me.
Later i was threatened by a relative over the phone to get married or get sued? for what someone invading my home and getting themselves in there for false purposes. Litterly my car was stolen and put into the garage across the street.
Still i miss Steve because even though he was giving someone alot of money by them lying and making him think we owed alot of money–no one would have gone so far.
How someone could or even would cause the police to ever do anything to hurt my kids or myself was a huge shock to me , people paid to protect innocent people–this without me ever even being told though each step what someone was doing–totally somewhere else and not in my home at all!!!
Women i met after we moved there where all set up ahead of time? Why do that to someone not a danger to people. My computer was litterly somewhere else and my e-mail address was on my husbands computer at his apartment. Maryland pkwy-that’s where that small blonde woman showed up. A girl from the church that had come over with a guy claiming to be my brother from Hesperia—he and his wife a danger for all parents everywhere–
Totally controlling and taking over my rights by using other phones.Other relatives became involved with some old organizations, steve with people from his work and a african american family or something,—Thier insurance person from work, a woman–i had people ramming things places and suggesting they would hurt me if i had any more children with Steve–I was pregnant in 1999–someone thought it was my daughter and did something to her that i will not mention–She until then was a virgin. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??
Do they just like to wreck a family that needed small mediation?? It is unbelievable to me how many people invade other peoples lives that appear not miserable. I was even told by my boos ” I just want what you have. Do people ever feel that THEY may be the cause of thier own problems and are ruining other people because past things they have done have caused these nice people to not have total control of thier rights any longer.
I could not get these people to stop making our lives about them and what may have happened to them in thier lives–over and over again.
My brothers old girlfriend came to Nevada. screws in my tire, my debit card going off at the grocery store–they came there!! I wasn’t where they were–she was in my house perior to this in anaheim and now i haven’t anywhere to live at all.
dna papers are mixed up too–Steve got invoved with them also, he and my aunt have something else going on and leave me out of things that of course take what is most precious away—–
Want to talke about fair? I have no lawyer and have been given no clear reason for this invasion.
News??
The Grass Valley needs to know how to contact the investigator who located Judge Julie McManus for the time period of March 3, 2011 and April 15, 2011.
Emily & supporters,
Thank you so much for doing this. I, too, remember you as the only mediator that would actually listen to me. My abusive ex-husband (convicted) has full custody of our children and hasn’t let me see/talk to them in over two years. I had lost all hope as the courts were horrible to me. My only hope has been God, and praying and praying hasn’t softened my ex-husbands heart/conscience at all. After reading today’s info, I feel like there may be some hope!
Thank you!
Dear Emily,
I read your story in The Union today because it was posted on Facebook. I always remember you as the mediator who listened to me and actually heard what I said. I felt like all the other were just trying to get us in and out with minimal effort on their behalf.
The reason I am sending you this is because I want to suggest to you that you link this web site with Facebook, as this is a great tool to spread the word.
Great work Emily. I miss you as a mediator.
Heather Mandeville